revelatory dream

we wake up with the knowledge that "decisions" we thought were made artfully and wisely on our own are actually due to our childhood, our upbringing, the war zone nursery. the idea that we would never have children, never want children, is a direct artifact of what being a child meant for us, when, for us, we were a child, a football, an emotional punching bag, and Freudian stage for the display of immaturity for two who perhaps should have thought twice (or more) about procreating.

now, we see (and maybe it's too late, but there must be some use for this insight) that it could be healthy and natural to want to have a child, or even to actually go ahead and create one.

of course, there is a part of us -- a large part of us -- that is still very drawn to and adamant about the concept of a woman being whole and happy without reproducing. we cannot and will not say that it's required, that making a child or becoming a parent is a necessary step in human development (though we can imagine those who would differ).

riding this fence is hard for us, painful even. but the awareness of the fence feels like a step in the right direction.